Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings…

Posted: November 19, 2018 in Postcards from Cancerland.


Say kids…
Today’s secret word is…cumulative.
Cumulative is a big word that means: “increasing or increased in quantity, degree, or force by successive additions.”
Cumulative is a great word when it applies to ice cream, sandwiches, or interest earned.
It’s not such a great word when it applies to chemo side effects.
People warned me that this would happen.
They said, “It will build up and slam you upside the face.”
I doubted it would be a big deal.
I was wrong.
The last few days I have felt the accumulative effect of six cycles of industrial strength chemo therapy.
I have felt it hard.
It has built up.
It’s been like putting on six different scratchy orange tight sweaters and trying to dance.
It’s complicated.
It’s like the end of a Rocky movie, you know that Rocky is overjoyed about going the distance, but he is just beat up and it’s going to take a little time to recuperate.
That’s me right now.
Let me unfurl all of my feels…
I feel like a Stretch Armstrong.
Stretch Armstrong was a 1970s squishy action figure shaped as a short, stocky man with stylish blond hair wearing black trunks. He could be stretched to unbelievable lengths.
It was creepy.
I’m feeling that.
I feel like my face is fighting itself.
I feel like a Sumo Wrestler named Carl has been standing on my head.
I feel like the trash compactor in Star Wars.
My stomach is trashed and making strange guttural noises.
Most food tastes like metallic space garbage right now.
I feel a special kind of tired.
I haven’t slept longer than forty minutes at a time. Because of steroids and fluids I’m running to the bathroom at least twelve times a night.
I’m an unbelievably gassy little dude.
My lucky wife bears the brunt of that.
I’m feeling dazed and confused…
Because of the sleepless nights, I haven’t dreamt much, but I did have one drug fueled dream that Smurfette (with perfectly manicured eyebrows and a camouflage outfit) wanted to be my life coach and help me live “my best life now”.
Did I mention that I’m feeling dazed and confused…
This round, I’ve hallucinated a bit…the lightbulbs have swelled up and the bathroom floor has become paisley.
That’s pretty wild.
Six rounds of accumulation creates some crazy feelings.
I feel like I should be accumulating different things…
We all accumulate.
Life builds.
It’s amazing what we allow to accumulate in our lives.
One big thing that we accumulate are words.
People say negative, hurtful things about us. It builds up.
It can leave you feeling pretty insignificant.
Don’t accumulate lies!
Look for the truth.
Look for the good.
What if we accumulated joy?
What if we allowed the good memories and giggles to build up?
We can also allow good stuff to accumulate.
I’ve allowed hundreds of pictures of my granddaughter to accumulate on my phone.
That’s a very good thing.
Love has an amazing accumulative effect.
Build it up, then give it away!
You will realize you didn’t lose anything, the more you give the more you gain.
That should make you feel pretty awesome.

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