Talking to Myself.

Posted: April 9, 2019 in Postcards from Cancerland.


I had another delightful round of chemo the last nine days.

Today I finished this cycle up by getting a big shot that will make my white blood cell count party the way they are supposed to.
Can I be honest…
It’s been a really hard week full of old school nastiness.
It has simultaneously felt like someone was hitting me in the head and stomach with an iron skillet.
I’m coughing like a sweet little seventy four year old IHOP waitress named Edna…”you want hashbrowns with dat, hun?”
I’m walking around like one of the old stop motion animatronic characters from the Island of Misfit Toys. I don’t go out without one of my super cool Pirate walking sticks.
I have distracting little sprouts of peach fuzz on my face. It’s a little unappetizing.
My skin is crunchy again.
The steroids make me weepy, I’m not proud of that.
But, after today I get a bit of a break!
And then, I go back again in two weeks to do it all over again.
In the midst of all this…
 I find myself talking to myself.

Actually I always have.
I was a kid with a wild imagination.
I spent a good deal of my developing adolescence running around (and dare I say even occasionally skipping around) our backyard talking to myself.
It wasn’t a problem for a while, we had absolutely no neighbors, there was nobody there to think it was weird.
Dad was at work and Mom thought it was cute and endearing.
Then we slowly got neighbors and they wondered about the strange kid saying stuff to himself.
I wasn’t quiet.
I learned to have conversation with myself.
I learned to tell myself the truth.

It’s a most valuable life skill right now.
I’m thankful that I developed it in my backyard all those years ago.
I tell myself out loud…
I’m completely healed by the stripes of Jesus.
I shall live and not die.
And I shall proclaim the wonderful wonders of the Lord.
Sometimes you have to tell yourself the truth even when it’s not what you see, hear or feel.
So I tell myself the truth.
I don’t deny or ignore the pain or disease.
It loudly makes itself known.
I just try to make the truth louder.
It’s a valuable life skill.
Learn the truth and continually remind yourself.
I proclaim to anyone listening…
This is for the Glory and the Story of love.
I don’t care if they think if I’m weird.

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