carbonated joy

I went in for a physical last week, my Doctor’s hands and fingers went some wildly inappropriate places…”HOLY SCHNIKES!!!”

Eventually, his hands ended up on my stomach, which was awkward because I’m really ticklish. He was concerned about a “unnatural fullness in my midsection”. I tried to explain that it was probably tacos, but he wasn’t buying it.

He scheduled an ultrasound to get a look at my innards. I went in, got goop rubbed all over my belly, and laid on the crinkly hospital paper and watched the screen. It looked like a Doppler radar. Among some swishy looking internal organs, I got to see the built up gas in my own stomach…that was pretty awesome.

The good news from the ultrasound was that I’m not pregnant. I actually asked the lady, with a totally straight face: “SOO, am I pregnant?” She looked at me like I was nuts and said “ummm…no.”

Evidently the ultrasound caused some more concern because, almost immediately, my Doctor sent me for a cat scan at another hospital.

The not so good news is that they found several masses on my abdomen.

I can’t even pronounce the word “abdomen” without really concentrating and I even had to google it to spell it correctly.

It’s easier to say gut or tummy. But, neither of those words carry the needed weight of the diagnosis, “tummy tumor” sounds like a twisted children’s book.

I’ve become acquainted with other weighty words that I can’t pronounce…

words like oncologist and hematologist.

There are some weighty words that when uttered, instantly suck all of the air out of the room.

Ugly words like cancer.

I went to the oncologist this morning. He’s an awesome guy who likes 70s rock and loves to laugh. We are going to be good friends.

He showed us the X-rays. It turns out that I have at least two tumors that are about the size of grapefruits on my stomach and kidney. I go in for a biopsy with a big needle on Thursday…

That will be big fun.

Then I have an appointment with the oncologist again on Monday. He was VERY optimistic and said that if it is the kind of tumor that he is thinking it is very treatable.

I’m also relieved because he said that this is nothing I did to myself. It’s not because of lifestyle or heredity. It just happens. It’s not because of the thousands of microwave burritos I’ve eaten in my lifetime…whew!

But…

Can I be honest with you?

I’m a little scared.

I’m scared of the unknown. I’ve always been someone who embraces the unknown and does a happy dance.

Right now the unknown scares the crap out of me.

I’m trying to remember the dance moves.

And frankly, I’m scared of the financial mountain that this creates for our family. This is a sucker punch. I’m trying to remember to trust.

I will remember.

My oncologist spoke these words to me today, “there is great hope in all of this”.

THAT is where I choose to live.

I choose hope.

I choose joy.

I choose trust.