That One Time that Thirty People went to the Bathroom with Me.

Posted: May 7, 2018 in Uncategorized

(WARNING: This story is not for the faint of stomach)

Once upon a time…

Actually it was last week.
I embarrassed myself, my family, and pretty much everyone that I’ve ever met.
I know that I do embarrassing, goofy things on a daily basis.
But, this was different…
I accidentally recorded my very first Facebook live video.
It started out as a normal, sleepy Monday morning. I was in my office taking care of business.
The large cup of instant coffee that I had consumed to combat Monday suddenly kicked in.
I needed to go to the bathroom bad.
AND so, I walked downstairs, AND evidently that is when, unbeknownst to me, the madness began…
I bopped into the restroom.
I defiantly avoided the urinals (because, I am 5 feet tall and most urinals come up to my chest).
I found a stall and began to take care of business.
First, I broke wind in a most violent manner.
Yup, I broke forth with a loud, fragrant, unearthly noise.
This was no ordinary fart, it sounded like an over caffeinated elderly goat trying to play a tuba.
I remember being quite proud of my gas (it’s a dude thing!) I almost high fived myself, but I was in the bathroom and that wouldn’t be hygienically wise.
Then, I peed like I do at least 23 times a day…
But this time was different…
I wasn’t alone.
I was sharing the stall with the wonderful world of social media.
My phone was in the front pocket of my cargo shorts.
Suddenly it started ringing, I usually don’t touch my phone in the bathroom, because, that wouldn’t be hygienically wise.
But, something told me I should answer it. I pulled the phone out of my pocket. It was my wife. I casually said “hey baby!” She replied “are you filming a face book live video on purpose?” She sounded tense. I said, “no…why?” She said “you are filming a face book live video RIGHT NOW!!”
Suddenly my brain exploded like a busted water balloon full of cottage cheese as I realized the implications of what she was saying.
I let out a little whimper as I frantically started pushing buttons and trying to stop and delete my very first Facebook live video.
My daughter was calling me too, it’s nice to know that your family has your back.
AND so, evidently I had somehow, in a horrible science experiment, butt-dialed MYSELF and started a video. I still don’t know how that happened.
But here is what I do know…
A bunch of innocent, unassuming people (including my wife and daughter) got a notification that I was filming something, they tuned in and they heard that which cannot be unheard.
I am so deeply sorry.
I apologize that you had to listen to the unnaturally natural noises that came out of my freaky little body…
For 1 minutes and 22 seconds about 30 people got to listen to me rudely relieving myself.
The screen was thankfully black because the phone was in my pocket until I answered it.
Diana was panicking as she tried to get through to me. She knows what I’m capable of in the bathroom. She was afraid of what might happen.
Once she reached me, I was panicking!! What had people heard and seen? Was I about to get arrested? Fired? Featured on TMZ?
After calming down a bit, I knew that I had to own it.
I’m a freak, I do stupid, embarrassing things all the time.
I might as well be honest about it.
I embarrass myself all the time.
Maybe you can relate?
I’ve learned that some of my stupid moments are my best teachers.
Hopefully, I learn SOMETHING!
In this case, I now check my phone before I go to the little boys room.
I do weird things.
It’s largely because I’m a charter member of the human race.
So are you!
We all have painfully human moments.
We all have moments when we do stupid, embarrassing things.
We all have weird days.
It’s unnaturally natural.
It’s best to own it and move on.
Learn to laugh at those times, learn to laugh at yourself, throw your fist in the air and repeat after me…”I’m a weirdo!”
Take a deep breath and realize that the weird moments can become the best stories.
Nobody wants to hear a story about a perfect day when everything went perfect!
Perfect is boring!
Weird is interesting.
Own your weird!!
And ALWAYS CHECK YOUR PHONE BEFORE YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!

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