I find myself…
At the end of myself.
Lying facedown down in the mud with a big fistful of nothing.
I thought I knew it all.
I thought happiness was my hometown in the rear view mirror.
I thought I was a pretty big deal.
I told my old man that he was dead to me, I took His money and ran to the land of big, shiny dreams.
I wanted to party. I wanted to live. I made new friends and had some wild new experiences.
The music was loud, the lights were bright, the dance floor was crowded.
It’s amazing how fast you can blow through your inheritance.
The music faded, the lights went dim, the party was over.
The so called friends took off, in search of the next sucker.
I suddenly didn’t feel like dancing, I guess guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I find myself…
At the end of myself.
I find myself…
In a prison of my own making.
I’ve done things…
Things so unspeakable
Things so unfixable.
I have screwed up.
I have gone too far.
But…
I find myself…
Still here…
and with the sinking realization that I can’t survive by myself.
In the midst of the hellish stench of self, I catch a scent of my homeland.
Maybe, my father will look past me and hire me. Maybe, I could be a servant, since I don’t deserve to be a son?
I rehearse my apologies. I nervously begin the journey back.
Where will I find myself?
Will I receive the rejection that I deserve?
Will I be condemned or criticized?
I find myself…
In the arms of love himself.
My father ran to meet me, I’ve never seen him run before. he swept me off my feet.
My excuses go unspoken.
Pure grace is spoken here.
I receive no lectures, just love,
Love so undignified,
Love so undeserved.
A father that loved me to death…and back.
A father who shows me how to really throw a party.
There is good food, loud music and unbridled dancing. There is a piñata and party hats.
There is joy, there is grace.
But…
I find myself…
The object of resentment.
I find a brother that is more interested in being right than real. He misses the party. That is sad. Some people who have never left home have never found home.
But, me…
I find myself…
Home.
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carbonated joy 