In one of my wilder dreams…
I woke up, in a pool of my own sweat in a suburban Atlanta hospital, I awoke wondering why all of these apocalyptic stories take place in Atlanta? What’s the deal with that?
I was laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV for no apparent reason, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Other than the fact that I smelled a little like a sweaty pizza. I pulled out the IV, hopped out of the bed and carefully adjusted my greenish blue hospital gown so that I wouldn’t expose myself. I was a little light headed, like I’d been watching way too much reality television. I had the presence of mind to look around for some shoes. All I could find were some fuzzy, pink bunny slippers. I quickly slipped them on and carefully exited the room. The hospital seemed to be abandoned. There were empty gurneys and carts with half eaten bowls of lime green jello, but there was not a human person to be found. I begin to panic and I made an embarrassing, slightly girly noise as I took the elevator down.
I ran out of the lobby and into the street as fast as I could, while wearing a hospital gown and bunny slippers. That’s when I saw THEM!!!
It was a large horde of millennials shuffling through the street. They had glazed, lifeless expressions. I shrieked and realized that once again, I was making embarrassing girly noises. BUT, this was BIG!! I’ve read enough glossy graphic novels to know exactly what was happening…
ZOMBIES!!
I was staring at a horde of the UNDEAD! And, some of them were wearing skinny jeans. It was, needless to say, HORRIFYING!!
I was pretty sure that I was about to be attacked by zombies who would eat my brains. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t touch the bunny slippers.
But…then something strange happened…
They WALKED RIGHT PAST ME!! They just moved by me in their socially conscious footwear. I must admit that this hurt my feelings a bit, WHAA??! were MY brains not good enough?! maybe they were looking for organic, farm raised, gluten free brains?! I had never been rejected by the walking dead before, it was a special kind of rejection.
BUT, then I saw it and I felt realization and relief.
They had smartphones!!
They weren’t zombies!!
They were full blown SMOMBIES!!!
They were totally lost in their smartphones. Their sleep deprived eyes were focused on their screens. Their thumbs were glued to the keyboards. They were immersed in a world of apps. They moved along in a syncopated shuffle set to a common Spotify playlist. They stopped every few feet to take a selfie and posted it to snapchat. They only communicated with one another via text. They occasionally bumped into things like glass doors, Volkswagens and each other. But this didn’t seem to phase them. They just readjusted and kept tweeting.
I knew what had to be done, I couldn’t let this go on, the only thing that could end the madness was a direct phone shot. Service had to be interrupted.
I was lucky enough to find a randomly placed crossbow and arrow and I took aim…
BUT, then I heard a ringtone…
It was a Taylor Swift song.
I dropped the crossbow and looked down.
There on the sidewalk was a solitary phone.
It had a fuzzy leopard print phone cover.
I picked it up…I couldn’t help myself.
I was getting a notification that I had been tagged on Instagram.
My eyes begin to glaze over, my thumb begin to twitch.
I begin to shuffle down the street.
TTYL.
carbonated joy 