carbonated joy

It was my Eighth grade year, I was caught in the land of in-between. No longer a kid, not quite an adult. I chose to become a monster.
My consequences colored me. My choice of companion dragged me to a place that I never expected to go. A dark place where I sacrificed childlike wonder for pushy promises of popularity. A place that thrives on pleasing the wrong voices. A place void of respect for self or others.
I became a monster.
Just like Frankenstein’s monster waking up from a slumber to realize he was in a strange new world where everything had changed, I woke to find everything about me was different.
I became a monster, unrecognizable to myself.
I hurt the friends that I had grown up with, the ones who knew the real me. Like a black hole feeding on negative attention,  I sucked the light from those around me. In a vain effort to sit at the right table and to get that one person to notice me.
I became a monster.
Sometimes, I was more like Jekyll and Hyde, I lived a calculated double life.
I was able to fool my parents most of the time. I said the right things to convince them that I was still their sweet little baby. I was good at being good when needed. But the monster was there.
I was sick inside.
My new friends were monsters too. When we got together it was a monsters ball. As we moved around the dance floor we stomped on those who had managed to hold onto their true selves.
I wonder…
After giving away so many parts of my self, is it even possible to be me again?
I wonder…
Who am I?
I wonder…
Some people never come back from the abyss of identity, they lose themselves to the monster.
They end up 40 year old bullies and cynics.
They silence the voices that speak wonder and acceptance.
I knew that if I carried the monster to high school, he would be harder to shake.
I had to wake up to who I really was.
I remembered what it meant to be me.
Imperfect, messy, real, able to be and believe, able to allow others to belong.
I had to shake the monster.
It meant making choices.
It meant making some new friends.
It meant remembering…
Me must conquer monster.
And it can.
It meant making some new friends.
It meant remembering…
Me must conquer monster.
And I can.