Archive for the ‘Postcards from Cancerland.’ Category


In the last few days we have moved from a suite in the ICU to a quiet little penthouse on the oncology floor. It was like going from Monster energy drink to milk!
Everywhere we went there were caring people in scrubs. I was poked and prodded. Numerous people felt my stomach and listened to my back. I was given shots, pills, and unbelievably nasty liquids. Nursing students got the huge privilege of watching me pee. I was weighed at two o’clock in the morning. I was scanned and studied.
All I know is that I feel much better than I did a week ago.
Thank you to the small army of good people who worked on me.
Thank you to the BIG God who holds me by the hand.
It’s ironic that I’ve spent my week in bed, but I haven’t got a lot of rest! Diana has got even less rest. She has tried to sleep on the hard hospital vinyl couch.
I’ve used a lot of bendy straws this week.
I love bendy straws.
Lately I’ve realized it’s good to live like a bendy straw.
Be flexible.
External forces constantly bend you.
If you are flexible those forces can’t stop the flow from coming through!
I learned about the wonderful world of puréed  cuisine. The “sausage” was the sketchiest, you can probably figure out why from the picture…
My good buddy, Marty, brought me new underwear. I was out and I’m a big
fan of the dry, clean undergarment. Real friends will bring you skivvies, no questions asked. Marty had even written a song for the occasion which he loudly sang as he entered the room.
We just heard those truly liberating beautiful words: “I’m sending you home with drugs.”
We are ready to break out of this joint!!
We are waiting for the wheelchair transfer person.
We are both so very tired, but I have no pain. My counts are good, my appetite is returning, and my good, unchanging God is in control.

Crazy Days.

Posted: March 12, 2019 in Postcards from Cancerland.


It has been a crazy few days…

At one very vulnerable moment I’m pretty sure that my hospital bed was possessed. As I was sitting in my room, my bed started moving on its own….no SERIOUSLY! It went as high as it could and then the foot end went higher, the head went down. It was like the world’s slowest mechanical bull.

And I was trapped!
I finally managed to grab my  nurse call box.
The nurse came in and just started cracking up.
I had a procedure to see what was causing the internal bleeding. The anesthesia that they sprayed in my mouth tasted like a Walgreens receipt dipped in an ash tray. When I said that to the surgical crew nobody cracked up, laughed or even smiled. They just looked at me like I was weird.
Everything seemed to be getting better, but then I started throwing up blood again.
That can ruin a party pretty quick.
So at two o’clock Monday morning we were transported to the downtown hospital.
I was admitted into the ICU, which is evidently like fight club, there are rules. My nurse informed me that nobody wears underwear in ICU as he looked in disdain at my colorful boxer briefs. Since then countless people have viewed me without my colorful boxer briefs.
At one point, I had so many IVs that it looked like I had noodles growing out of my arms.
I had another procedure where they went through my leg to find the culprit and were able to stop the bleeding.
Since then I have been monitored and taken some incredibly nasty tasting meds.  My doctor just came in my room and said “well…it seems like it worked.”
So the plan is to move us to a regular room, maybe on a floor where they wear underwear.
They just brought me my breakfast, it’s green jello!


About midnight on Friday night, a car hit a transformer in our neighborhood.
That was the beginning of the wildness.
Suddenly our entire neighborhood was without power.
We were left in the dark.
We didn’t realize that we were in the darkness, we were sleeping.
Then…suddenly…Diana’s phone went wild. There were bells and whistles and it was super loud.
There was no incoming caller. The phone was just going wild.
We both sit up in the dark at the same time.
Diana grabbed for a flashlight, I felt weak and…a little wet.
She shined the flashlight in my face a gasped “WHAT IS ON YOUR FACE?!!”
Turns out…
I was spitting up blood.
That is where it gets wild…and…gross.
We tried to stumble, in the dark, to the bathroom.
We barely made it through the bathroom door and I passed out. I was sprawled in a twisted, yoga position.
I woke up to hear my scared wife talking to Lincoln County 911. EMS and the fire department came, in the dark, and loaded me up. They were awesome!
I got to take my first ambulance ride.
It wasn’t what I expected, I didn’t get to play with the siren.
My blood pressure was super low.
Most of my counts had taken a dive.
We got to the ER and I started getting wild amounts of fluids.
I’ve gotten four bags of blood so far. That seems to help, I’m not pasty white. I’m more of a pale taupe.
They ran a bunch of tests yesterday, we still have no answer.
I’ve been poked and prodded and, at one point, percolated.
I’ve been told “lay perfectly still on this table for eighty four minutes, do not move as we take these nuclear images!” Yep, you read that right! Nuclear images!!!
I can’t eat or drink ANYTHING!!! But, I’m saving a ton on delicious hospital food.
I received one IV that made it feel like the entire Panthers offensive line was standing on my arm.
I’m going to have a procedure today where they “go down” my upper GI track and see what they find. We will keep you posted.
As a kid I thought that a GI track was an accessory for my GI JOE  action Jeep.
I’m laying here in bed, in my green hospital issued mini dress, wondering why can’t things be simple for us?
Why things gotta be so wild?


Posted: March 9, 2019 in Postcards from Cancerland.

In this land of unknowns, we stumble on surprise.

(It’s definitely a stumble, I’m walking like a toddler drinking cough syrup).
We had a Doctors appointment today, it was supposed to be routine.
The plan was to rebuild some white blood cells, get a stronger defense while we prepare to punch again.
But, we live in a land of unknown.
It’s been a tough week, I’ve felt like I’ve been beat up by confused cobra kai rejects.
There’s been back pain and I have the appetite of a guppy.
I’ve lost a lot of weight, which recently wouldn’t have been a problem…suddenly it’s not such a good thing.
I’m under strict doctor’s orders to eat lots of peanut butter this weekend. I can do that.
There were concerns because of my blood tests, my hemoglobin is low AGAIN!
So, I spent my lunch hour today in a big vinyl chair getting some fluids.
I’m spending my day tomorrow getting a blood transfusion…WOOOO!!!!
In this land of unknowns, we stumble on surprise.
Some sweep your legs.
some are good surprises.
Really sweet surprises!
In this land of unknowns, some things are known and those are the things we hang onto.
The good surprises…
Love with BBQ sauce stains.
Friends who show up and show off what real friendship looks like.
The hardest days often turn out to be the most beautiful if you hang onto the known things…
God is ALWAYS good.
There is never a time that love doesn’t win.
There is a simple goodness in the world that is stronger than the selfishness.
Thank you to our amazing friends.
You are louder than the pain.
That isn’t a surprise.


Posted: March 6, 2019 in Postcards from Cancerland.


I’ve never been fast, but right now I really miss the limited speed I had.
Growing up I have possessed ridiculously small legs, think of a chubby corgi wearing toughskins jeans.
Nobody has ever looked at me and assumed that   I was fast.
I have never exhibited any real athletic ability other than I can watch hours of football and NASCAR.
I have always been almost as fast as cold apple butter.
I miss that now.

Right now, I find myself a slow motion version of myself.

I’m really weak.
Turtles make fun of me.
Chemo drugs have made me loopy.

I’ve learned a big lesson – we should appreciate whatever speed we’ve been given in life.

I’ve spent a lifetime taking things for granted…
I could walk, run, skip like a gerbil, dance like an excited toddler.
If we aren’t the greatest, we run the danger of taking for granted.
What can you do?
Do it.
Run your race and don’t compare.

I can’t trust my brain this week.

It tells me crazy things.
Weird things.
I forget things.
This week my brain is sluggish and just downright wonky.
I can’t trust it.
Luckily I’ve surrounded myself with people I can trust.
I’m going to listen to them.


A while back, we discovered that our fight wasn’t over.

The sniveling belly bully is still around.
A new plan was devised.
We are going to punch him harder this time.
The plan kept getting put off because of weird random medical stuff.
But…the time has come!!
We punched the belly bully in the face.
We had treatment this last week, I’ve had a needle in my chest for seven days.
That’s always awesome.

Do you remember atomic fire balls? Those super hot cinnamon candies that lit up your mouth?
My face has totally looked  like one of those!
During the last week, I’ve been back on a cocktail of chemo, steroids, fluids, and anti nausea meds.
I haven’t got much sleep, okay…I haven’t really gotten any sleep.
A delightful combo platter of pain and potty has kept me up.
I go to the bathroom every forty three minutes (seriously! I counted!)
After a two month hiatus, the chemo brain is back. That means that I’m a special kind of clueless. I’m extremely loopy today, to the point that the biggest decision I’m able to make is “what socks should I wear?”
I’m seeing things that aren’t there.
If I stare at the bathroom floor it starts to rotate and sparkle…once again, I’m not making this up.
I have the uninspiring dexterity of an intoxicated walrus. I’m tempted to wrap myself in bubble wrap so that I don’t cause harm to myself or anyone else.
Today, there was an ornery, elderly lady in the chair next to me at the infusion suite. She is eighty three years old and despite a fifty year age difference, she has a fairly obvious crush on our nurse.
That’s because he’s kind…and he’s built like a Viking.
It was a good day for her.
She was doing good until she went to the bathroom.
Everything changed.
She suddenly had problems breathing and communicating.
The Doctor came in and EMS was called.
She was taken to the emergency room.
We hurt for her.
She is someone’s mom, grandma, great grandma.
Cancer is stupid.
So tomorrow I go in and get a super shot that is supposed to boost my white blood count up. I will also get to take some tests (blood count and pee in a sippy cup).
This all leads me to the conclusion that it’s time to pull up my pirate pants, batten the hatches and again declare no quarter.


“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what’s on the other side”
Rainbow Connection is one of my favorite songs ever.
The song was written by one of my all time favorite song writers, Paul Williams.  He is a musical genius who is about my size. I love the fact that he could give me his hand-me-downs as I admire his art. He was also in Smokey and the Bandit!
It was originally sung by one of my favorite frogs in a swamp. That makes it forever magical. I love Kermit.
AND, one of my favorite people, Adam Wilson, once taught me the opening notes on my banjo. That’s not all that Adam has taught me…
even though Adam is much younger than me, He has been one of my mentors for quite a while.
AND, the song asks one of my favorite questions…
What IS it about rainbows and what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are constructed of pure promise. (Oh, it’s true…read Genesis 9:9-17).
They are organic hope.
Maybe that’s why they catch our attention every time and we can’t take our eyes off the beauty.
It seems that God doesn’t make drab promises.
He likes color.
Rainbows only show up after the storm. We have to walk through the thunder to see the tints.
Rainbows are amazing, they keep us star gazing.
What’s on the other side gives us great hope for what we encounter on this side. We have viewed and experienced breathtaking beauty and diversity on this side but it pales in comparison to what waits over the rainbow.
As I write this, it is beginning to sprinkle outside.
We’ve gotten a lot of rain lately…
Literally and figuratively.
We’ve seen some storms.
I look up…
Because I know that the rainbow is on the way.
“Someday we’ll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me”