My Mind Races…

Posted: September 11, 2018 in Postcards from Cancerland.


I lie awake at night.
My mind races like a creaky old roller coaster on a rickety wooden track.
It clunks and clanks…
It jerks me around as I try to hold on to a little rest…
There are twists and turns, ups and down all within the amusement park of my brain.
Sleep is short, sporadic and sloppy.
When it comes, it is twisted.
In my detached dreams…
so many images and feelings clunk around in my tired head…
I visit a dime store from my childhood until I get accused of shoplifting by Gumby.
I rewatch movies that I’ve never seen.
I try to hold onto handfuls of cold ramen noodles while riding rushing rapids comprised of tomato soup.
We are almost done with treatment week number three and I’m convinced that a mind is a terrible thing to baste.
The belly bully is being beat down, but there is weirdness left in the wake.
The drug induced almost-dreams are just the start.
I’ve had a needle inserted into my chest for the last seven days straight, I just can’t get used to that.
I’m pretty loopy. It looks like I’m attempting some strange primal ballet dance when I walk.
My immunity system is pretty wonky right now. Germs and pollen are punching me in the face.
I’m super sensitive to smells, I’m pretty sure I can smell toast cooking from a mile away.
My hands resemble tissue paper no matter how much lotion I slather on them.
My voice is cracking when I try to talk and I have a scraggly sprout of peach fuzz randomly growing on the side of my face where NOTHING else is growing. It feels like I’m going through puberty again. I hope not! The first time was painful enough.
In a horrible twist of fate, Doritos presently taste like gasoline.
I have a white blood cell count booster plugged into my arm. That is wild and makes me feel like I’m being transformed into a vertically challenged robot, which is actually strangely cool.
Thankfully coffee still tastes like coffee!
It’s all so very twisted.
I look over the edge of the rickety roller coaster and I realize…
we are HALFWAY!!
I can see the loading/unloading platform from here!!
We’ve gone over three hills (without throwing up!)
We have three more!!
We can do this!!
I grab hold of the guard rail and I renew my hope.
I’m so ready to just spend some time on the Merry-Go-Round with my granddaughter!

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