The Waiting.

Posted: August 30, 2018 in Postcards from Cancerland., Uncategorized


A week ago I had a CAT scan.

After two treatments, the Doctor wanted to check the status of the belly bully.
We wanted to know too!
We were praying and hoping for some serious shrinkage.

So we went in so I could get CAT scanned.

I know the drill now…I dutifully laid down on something that looks like an ironing board and I lowered my camouflage cargo shorts with no shame.
The first thing that the chemo seems to kill is self consciousness.
Suddenly you really don’t care who sees your Sponge Bob boxer briefs!
I have now dropped my cargo shorts and hiked up my Yoda T-shirt in front of roomfuls of strangers.
It’s liberating!
It makes me think…
I wish there had been a pleasant taking multivitamin that I could have taken as an eleven year old that would have eliminated self consciousness and selfishness from my life.
But, alas, we all have to work on our self ourselves.
I was injected with a clear liquid called “contrast”. It helps to show the difference between the good stuff and the bad stuff. The contrast enters your bloodstream and makes you feel warm all over. It also makes you feel like you wet your pants, which is delightful, especially since you are already pretty vulnerable with your pants hiked down!
Then the big machine started and I was moved back and forth into a metal tube while I practiced some yoga breathing exercises.
I heard a mechanical female voice calmly say “take a deep breath and hold it”. Then what seems like four minutes later, the robot voice says “let it out”.
That repeated seventeen times.
Then it was done and we were sent home to wait for the results by the technician with the great poker face.
Waiting for results is never fun.
Whether it’s a medical test, or a EOG (End Of Grade) test, or the results from a job interview, or a genealogy test.
Waiting for results is hard.
We want to know NOW!!
Then, inevitably, as you wait, you hear the voices…
“This is bad, otherwise you would already know.”
“It’s gotten worse.”
“You have failed.”
They gnaw at your better judgement.
You can’t listen to those voices during the waiting.
You have to kick them to the curb and listen to THE voice.
We have called the doctor’s office and even hung out in the waiting room trying to find out SOMETHING.
But, it hasn’t worked.
I’ve had to remind myself that I’m not the only patient, there are lots of people in front of me in line.
We are waiting.
Maybe the waiting is some sort of weird test too…
Get vulnerable
Don’t be selfish.
Take a breath.
Take another breath.
Don’t forget to breath.
Listen for the voice.
Follow directions.
Ignore the negative voices.
Try not to wet your pants.

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