Port City.

Posted: July 18, 2018 in Postcards from Cancerland., Uncategorized

I woke up with the Ramones song “I wanna be sedated” blasting in my brain, which can only mean one thing…

It’s port day!
I guess the official name is “port insertion day”, but that’s a little long for the greeting cards.
The plan was to put a cute little triangle that looks almost like a tiny computer mouse attached to a plastic tube into my chest. It will serve as a enter/exit ramp for everything that needs to come in or come out.
We checked in, the receptionist asked me the standard questions…
“What’s your birthday?”
“Previous surgeries?”
“Any allergies?” (Only Cilantro, but evidently that doesn’t qualify as a health risk!?)
“Religious preference?” (ummmm…I’m just crazy in love with Jesus.)
And then she dropped a little bomb…
“Do you have a living will?”
What? Why? Do you know something?!
I tried not to read anything into that.
the waiting room was full and there was one lady who was just being really rude to the receptionist, why do people have to do that??
I got taken to the first room. Diana got to go with me, that was cool!! I was told to get naked above the waist and put on a lovely green gown. I seriously almost strangled myself putting on the hospital gown. It’s a good thing that Diana and the nurse were there to help me.
As we got blood taken and vitals taken, we made some friends on the nursing staff, that’s always our goal.
It was a very cool all girl group that did the procedure. So I was a bit self conscious about everyone seeing my man boobs. Speaking of my ample chest, they had to shave it!! That made me feel pretty manly.
They tucked the chullet into a sterile beard hammock. I appreciate the care that was taken for my chin mullet. We talked about some of my tattoos.
I WAS sedated, but I don’t really remember it.
SO they dug in and made a one inch cut in my fleshy flesh, through which they  inserted the port. They run a wire through another cut to a big vein and they guided the plastic tube there. Despite the sedation and local numbing stuff I could feel some of that happening.(that was an …umm…interesting sensation).
So now I’m locked and loaded.
It’s weirdly ironic for a pirate to have a port in his chest.
It’s been a few hours since I got inserted and I have some kaleidoscopic multi-colored bruises. I also have a little pain. It is starting to feel like a husky eleven year old boy punched me in the chest for about forty three minutes straight. I probably ought to take some ibuprofen.
I’m in awe of modern medicine. It absolutely blows my mind! I’m so thankful for the brilliant minds that dreamed, designed, and developed machines that can see inside my body and magical plastic tubes that can save my veins.
By the way…
The port is totally under my skin, you can’t see it, so don’t even ask!! Besides that would require the unveiling of my man boobs!

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