carbonated joy

That’s really no secret.

I have no motor skills, no depth perception, and no eye-hand coordination.

Those are all fairly important in any athletic endeavor.

I’ve tried most organized sports.

I’ve tried a lot of unorganized sports too.

I tried soccer and the shin guards came up to my chest. I tried miniature golf and I killed an innocent windmill. I tried waterskiing and I bopped around the lake like a slightly intoxicated turtle for 45 minutes without even be able to put on the skis. I tried indoor rock climbing and ended up being mistaken for a piñata.

I’m bad.

But, the sport that I suck at the loudest is a harmless playground activity loved by school children everywhere…

It’s TETHERBALL!!

(This would be a totally appropriate place to shout “GASP!” and act completely shocked…thank you!)

Actually, I don’t think that tetherball is really recognized as an official sport.

It’s an “almost” sport.

So sports fans, if you are keeping score…

I even suck at “almost” sports.

Growing up we had tetherball at school, and church, and camp. It was very popular.

I hated it.

It was pure humiliation on a rope.

I would agree to play (usually with kids who were at least 10 years younger than me) and we would square off around the used tire of battle.

I would desperately wail at the tetherball with my chubby clinched fists. My opponent, the 5 year old, would nail it with one swift punch. The tetherball would slam into my face and quickly wrap all around the pole. Out of blind frustration, I would kick the bald rubber tire that was the base. This usually resulted in me hurting my foot.

My games usually lasted about 37 seconds.

The embarrassment has lasted a lifetime.

There is no other activity that has caused me to punch myself in the face with a rubber ball whilst tying myself to a metal pole with a rope.

It was like playing dodgeball against myself.

I even practiced a few times when no one was watching. I managed to hit myself in the spleen with the tetherball.

It’s cool to have certain sports injuries, lose a tooth in hockey or get tackled in football and you have a story for life!

Nobody wants to hear about tetherball injuries…

“You did WHAT?!”

I’ve come to grips with my suckiness.

I’m okay with it, because there are other things that I don’t suck at.

And so…

I have banished tetherball from my life like a Russian curler caught doping.

It is gone.

I will NOT see you at the pole.

I LIVE UNTETHERED!!