Tetherball is Evil.

Posted: April 16, 2018 in Uncategorized

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I suck at sports.

That’s really no secret.
I have no motor skills, no depth perception, and no eye-hand coordination.
Those are all fairly important in any athletic endeavor.
I’ve tried most organized sports.
I’ve tried a lot of unorganized sports too.
I tried soccer and the shin guards came up to my chest. I tried miniature golf and I killed an innocent windmill. I tried waterskiing and I bopped around the lake like a slightly intoxicated turtle for 45 minutes without even be able to put on the skis. I tried indoor rock climbing and ended up being mistaken for a piñata.
I’m bad.
But, the sport that I suck at the loudest is a harmless playground activity loved by school children everywhere…
It’s TETHERBALL!!
(This would be a totally appropriate place to shout “GASP!” and act completely shocked…thank you!)
Actually, I don’t think that tetherball is really recognized as an official sport.
It’s an “almost” sport.
So sports fans, if you are keeping score…
I even suck at “almost” sports.
Growing up we had tetherball at school, and church, and camp. It was very popular.
I hated it.
It was pure humiliation on a rope.
I would agree to play (usually with kids who were at least 10 years younger than me) and we would square off around the used tire of battle.
I would desperately wail at the tetherball with my chubby clinched fists. My opponent, the 5 year old, would nail it with one swift punch. The tetherball would slam into my face and quickly wrap all around the pole. Out of blind frustration, I would kick the bald rubber tire that was the base. This usually resulted in me hurting my foot.
My games usually lasted about 37 seconds.
The embarrassment has lasted a lifetime.
There is no other activity that has caused me to punch myself in the face with a rubber ball whilst tying myself to a metal pole with a rope.
It was like playing dodgeball against myself.
I even practiced a few times when no one was watching. I managed to hit myself in the spleen with the tetherball.
It’s cool to have certain sports injuries, lose a tooth in hockey or get tackled in football and you have a story for life!
Nobody wants to hear about tetherball injuries…
“You did WHAT?!”
I’ve come to grips with my suckiness.
I’m okay with it, because there are other things that I don’t suck at.
And so…
I have banished tetherball from my life like a Russian curler caught doping.
It is gone.
I will NOT see you at the pole.
I LIVE UNTETHERED!!

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