Beard Crimes.

Posted: May 6, 2015 in brain belches
Tags: , ,

Except for one misguided week in college, I’ve had some form of facial hair my entire adult life.

It is basically the only thing that prevents me from looking like a chubby 14 year old boy. Without facial fuzz I bear a uncanny and unnatural resemblance to Bobby Hill. I’ve experimented with every possible expression of whisker. I’ve had full beards in varying lengths, I’ve sported a goatee, I tried the truck driver mustache, I have even had a modified Fu-Manchu that scared small breeds of dog. I finally decided to let my chin fruit to grow wild and define itself. It has, I believe by divine design, evolved into what I call a “chullet”. It is a chin – mullet. The message is clear: my face is a party.

I think we are living in a golden age for beards, they are everywhere.
They have become a beautiful hairy art form.
Many people celebrate the beauty of the beard.
But, there also appears to be a clean shaven army of Beard haters.
Evidently, goatees really get their goat.
They are pretty vocal.
They hate beards and they make that pretty clear.
They spread ugly rumors about the bearded brotherhood.
The latest one has to do with facial feces!
A story began to circulate online the last few days claiming that a “study” assessed the average beards of average men and made a shocking AND scientific discovery: they are basically dripping with poop!
They contend that bearded men are basically carrying around little fuzzy toilets on their faces.
This would be really be gross IF IT WERE TRUE!!
I’ve had several people feel inclined to show me the study in the last few days, including some strangers.
This is basically their way of saying “hey poop face! Have you seen this?”
This story has even been reported on several news outlets as actual news.
The thing is…IT’S NOT TRUE!!
Turns out that’s it’s a bunch of…well…poop.
It’s just another blatant attempt by the beard bashers to put the beard in a box.
It doesn’t end online…
I have repeatedly been the Victim of facial profiling.
I get patted down at every airport I go to, even when I’m not flying.
I’ve been called homeless, lazy, uncultured, Gandalf and Santa (come to think of it, those last two are pretty cool).
Strangers have told me of their repulsion of my face.
I had a sweet little old lady at church violently grab my chullet and try to pluck it.
My own mother has expressed her strong dislike for my chullet. Until recently She would shake her head and say “You still have THAT thing!”…so much for having a face only a mother could love.
Beard discrimination is real!
I have a good friend who has a truly epic beard.
He keeps it groomed and properly slathered with beard oil.
Some ladies recently felt it was their moral obligation to make sure that he is clean shaven. They passed around a petition to make him shave!! True story!

Don’t fear the beard.
Don’t hate the whiskers.

Clean shaven, stubbled or bearded…
Can’t we all just get along?

I have no animosity towards shiny faced men.
If you feel compelled to shave, pick up that razor and go for it!
One of the greatest things about having a face is that you should be able to do whatever you want with it!

Do whatever you want with your face, I choose to party with mine.

I can safely say that the chullet is feces free. I shampoo and condition it once a day. Then I apply a magical beard elixir called Dreambeard. It is so clean that you could eat off of it, in fact I often do!

I don’t know why some people hate the beard. Could be a phobia or envy.
I do have a theory, beards look untamed and wild, some people can’t handle that.
They like tamed, predictable and safe. They are freaked out by the facial fuzz.

The bottom line is…
just because something looks untamed doesn’t mean that it’s unclean.
That’s true of beards and it’s true of people!
Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to go.
I just found a Cheeto in my chullet.

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